Mistaking stalking behavior as tenets of affection would be nothing but idiocy. .....

....

Last night I had a weird dream. A man would come in the middle of my sleep and well, we'd have an intercourse. And I don't know how this may sound to other black fellows, but unfortunately, he was white. .......

Next thing I know I'm being whipped while being naked, then I find myself being pregnant with my hands wrapped behind my back. And then I have a baby in the most tormenting way possible where somehow these doctors are popped up around me - and the dad just, walks away.

It was NOT a pleasant feeling to watch myself suffering in such a way, ..even though I couldn't help but have this 'female erection' thing on the whole time while this masochistic cinema was running in my head, where my physical body was stationed on my bed, just trying to sleep like regular humans do at night.

......

Why do I have such thoughts all of a sudden? I've been trying to keep it clean & good, nothing else! Was it the local demon playing its sick tricks on my poor soul?

..At age 31, I find myself stuck in b/w apprehension & unsavory confusion - right here in this Florida home of which is under my parent's name.

Moms who went through hardships to hold their real babies in their hands despite losing their husbands for whatever reasons, would laugh in my face. Only that I can't feel any worse than that, so the moment I write this my mind is totally numb.

...

But if I thought about a certain man - attractive-looking, unfortunate or not - and could not but feel erection only than any better emotion, I'd say the joke's on me in the worst roundabout way possible. ..At least I'm not making the same mistake as I have done thanks to hardly gained real-life wisdom from her experience.

......

The western word for mix b/w pure affection and sexual desire is passion. I do have heard how this poverty-stricken, obese couple with all their might trying to raise their pretty children right, or how this woman is trying to keep her husband alive who is now comatose with a sunken head - dedicating herself to his medical care 24/7 barely without any rest. ... Of which feats of Atlas is imagined in the brain of a 'generally selfish normie Asian woman', with a track of being an Asexual/Otaku/and 'spinster' all in one. Of which, just the term itself combined with the description above, evokes nothing but either scorn or frustrated laughter.

......

People who are fit & good-looking are (generally) nice; unless they have a screwed-up family history which unfortunately I'm sort of included as well. But being nice should just mean the level of maturity one has, not their intrinsic moral aptitude. Such was the decade we all lived in, where men can prove to be 100 times more flimsy than women.

But the kiss was good. I don't know why when I got a bad breath on the side of my mouth thanks to my TMJ. Just not sure if I should look forward to the night, or do the Buddhist ritual thing and try to empty my mind no matter at all costs before I fall to sleep.

Wishing everyone here good health and road to recovery, including me.